Few Jokes. Feel Free To Add More

[wozza]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:
"You're next,fatty."

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* A carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* A head of lettuce
* Half a dozen tomatoes
* A 500g jar of coffee
* A 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly!"





Add some more jokes ya find about just need something to lighten this place up a wee bit i think.

[Guest Colin Hunter]

Scotsman is walking across a field and spots a man drinking water out of a pool with his hand.

Scotsman shouts "Awa fae there ye feel! Yon pool is fu' o' coo's sharn"!

(get out of there you fool! the pond is full of Cows Sh*t!)

 

The man turns round and says "I'm English! Speak English! I don't understand you!"

 

Scotsman shouts back. "USE BOTH HANDS! YOU'LL GET MORE IN!"

 

AND ANOTHER!

 

Two London gents are sitting in their soon to be opened new shop. There's a bit still to do and the windows are whited out.

One turns to the other and says. "I bet any moment now some curious B****D will stick his nose on the window and ask what we're doing here"

No sooner had he spoken than a Scottish tourist, a wee bit the worse for wear, did exactly that!

The Scotsman said "what are ye sellin' here?"

The Londener replied "ARS*HOLES!"

THe Scotsman replied "You're doin' really well! Only two left!"