truemouse Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 After every Quantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a 'gripe' sheet which conveys complaints about the aitcrafts performance during the previous flight to the ground crew so they can address the problems accordingly. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The top half has 'P:' for Problem - The pilots complaints. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The bottom half has 'S:' for Solution - The action taken by ground crews. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are real exerpts from the ground crew at GLA (Glasgow Airport) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Auto-land not intalled on this aircraft --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Something loose in cockpit. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Something tightened in cockpit. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Dead bugs on windsheild. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Live bugs on back-order. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Evidence removed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: That's what they're there for. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Suspected crack on windsheild. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Suspect you're right. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Aircraft handles funny. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Target radar hums. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Mouse in cockpit. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - S: Cat installed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- N.B. Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. -------------------- Quote
truemouse Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 Additional airport antics at Glasgow Airport (GLA) Taxiing down the tarmac runway, a Quantas jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the terminal building. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger (Who happened to be a reporter for a local newspaper) asked the flight attendant what the problem had been. "The pilot was worried by the handling of the aircraft and a noise he heard from an engine," he explained, "It took us a while to find a new pilot." Quote
truemouse Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 In a related story ______________ It has been reported that an employee for Ansett Australia (Airlines), who happened to have the last name of Gay, got on a plane recently using the company's 'Free Flight' offer for staff. However, when Mr Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a fare paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr Gay, another Ansett flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this flight were being re-routed to various other airplanies. A few were put on Mr Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a 'free' ticket was being 'bumped'. Ansett officials, armed with a list of these 'freebee' ticket holders boarded the plane, as is the practise, to remove them in favour of fare paying passengers. Of course, our Mr Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember, so when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded "Then you have to get off the plane." Mr Gay, overhearing what the agent has said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man, I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!". Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett had no right to remove gays from their flights. It is reported that Ansett have refused to comment on the incident. Quote
UFO Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 The correct name of the Australian airline in question is QANTAS. As is Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Services. These stories have been around for a while, usually including the one about the BA pilot who was questioning a landing direction given by the Frankfurt tower. He was questioned "Haven't you ever flown to Frankfurt before" The response came, "Yes, twice in WW2 but I didn't land!" See Ansett Airlines have been defunct since about 2001, so the Gay story may be another urban myth. [url="http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnox.htm"]http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnox.htm[/url] Quote
Safety Engineer Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Here's a from from my RAF days, a collegue who is now civil ATC controller was telling me about an exchange between two aircraft, normally aircraft relay messages through ATC, however, on this night ATC were busy, the exchange went something like this: While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange "Remove before flight" streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: "Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23." No reply. They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that "the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio." The 130 pilot quickly replied, "Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?" Here are some others: LH741: Tower, give me a rough timecheckTower: It's tuesday, Sir. Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches! Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel Pilot: Radar, Good Day, Airforce Blackbird, request FL 600(!)Controller (amused): Sir, if you can reach, you are cleared FL 600Pilot: US Air Force Blackbird, leaving FL 800, decending Level 600... A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!!" An USAF F16 is escorting an RAF Hercules when the F16 pulls a perfect roll right around the Herc. The F16 pilot then comes over the radio: "lets see you try that then" The Hercules crew ponder for a moment....then shut down number 1 engine. The Herc crew come over the radio in a dodgy US accent: "lets see you try that then"! "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.""But Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" Quote
mouse Posted December 11, 2006 Posted December 11, 2006 Here's a from from my RAF days, a collegue who is now civil ATC controller was telling me about an exchange between two aircraft, normally aircraft relay messages through ATC, however, on this night ATC were busy, the exchange went something like this: While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange "Remove before flight" streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: "Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23." No reply. They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that "the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio." The 130 pilot quickly replied, "Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?" The US Air Base was Rhein Main. It shares the flight lines with Frankfurt International Flughafen. I think I remember that, or something similar while I was stationed there. Sadly Rhein Main was closed down about a year ago. T'was a mighty base, and the on-base housing rawked. Just a little filler info. RAF Mildenhall. One foggy night, an RAF representative comes by for an 'inspection'. This is a pointless exercise since the USAF (who basically 'rent' the base) are a tidy folks. RAF rep parks his recently restored Jaguar mkII in what he percieves to be an empty parking lot where it won't get dinged and gets an on-base taxi to the crowded hotel. In the morning the fog clears. Our friendly RAF rep is called to the control tower, as soon as he can. Once up there the base commander asks the RAF rep if he spots anything amiss on the runway. RAF rep, taken aback, has a good long look. There's a C-130 listing to one side at the end of a runway. He remarks upon this and that a British Pilot would never make such a mistake. The base commander then asks him to take a closer look through a set of binoculars. The RAF rep takes said binoculars and peers at the flattened wreckage of a recently restored mkII Jag. Quote
argoose Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 After every Quantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a 'gripe' sheet which conveys complaints about the aitcrafts performance during the previous flight to the ground crew so they can address the problems accordingly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The top half has 'P:' for Problem - The pilots complaints.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -The bottom half has 'S:' for Solution - The action taken by ground crews.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are real exerpts from the ground crew at GLA (Glasgow Airport) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Auto-land not intalled on this aircraft --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Something loose in cockpit.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Something tightened in cockpit. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Dead bugs on windsheild.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Live bugs on back-order. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Evidence removed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: That's what they're there for. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Suspected crack on windsheild.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Suspect you're right. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Aircraft handles funny.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Target radar hums.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- P: Mouse in cockpit.- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -S: Cat installed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- N.B. Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. --------------------pmsl Quote
Guest womble Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Slightly tongue-in-cheek. Think the last sentence is a bit incorrect though.....what about the Rolls Royce engines that blew out last year???? Quote
Guest TruBlu Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 Slightly tongue-in-cheek. Think the last sentence is a bit incorrect though.....what about the Rolls Royce engines that blew out last year???? Last sentence not incorrect,that would be an "incident", thankfully not an accident! Quote
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